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Russell Crowe as Noah

Mallory Ortberg wrote a satirical commentary on the inner-workings of Hollywood casting, and how whiteness is humorously interjected into the movie Noah.

This is half of the entire article. You can read the rest here. We begin with a young man pitching an idea to a bunch of Hollywood suits:

YOUNG MAN [Nervously]: So I know biblical epics with fantastical elements are back in a big way right now, and I was thinking of a Moses adaptation–

SUIT #1: Like the Ten Commandments. Love it. Young Heston. Bringing the rifles down from the mountain, yelling at the Statue of Liberty. “I am the Lord your God, you shall keep your hands off me, you damn dirty apes.” I can see it already.

YOUNG MAN: Where he’s a dark-skinned man with an African wife. Which is, um, actually true to the text–

SUIT #2: Can I just stop you and say that I love where you’re going with this, but I’m thinking more of a Chris Pine for this part?

SUIT #3: And what if Chris Pine can fly?

SUIT #2: EXACTLY. And everything he touches turns to gold.

SUIT #1: Can I just interrupt for a second? Is anyone doing Noah right now? What about the dark-skinned Moses movie, but it’s about Noah and we get a Russell Crowe type?

SUIT #3: Love it.

SUIT #2: Love it. And one of the kids from Harry Potter. And someone who looks like a young Christian Slater, but isn’t.

SUIT #1: “White Noah.” I love it. Let’s make it happen.

WHITE NOAH

EXT. DAY. The downpour is just beginning. WHITE NOAH stands in front of a BOAT (think Patek Phillipe ads) surrounded by his family.

NOAH’S WIFE [shouting to be heard over the deluge]: BUT WHITE NOAH
HOW ON EARTH ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS FLOOD

WHITE NOAH: IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY.
I TOOK SAILING LESSONS AT THE YACHT CLUB.

EXT. DAY. Shoot of THE ARK floating on top of a drowned world.

WHITE NOAH [O/S]: OH MY GOD!
WHERE ARE MY SPERRYS?

EXT. DAY. The FLOODWATERS have begun to recede, revealing a land absolutely littered with water-logged corpses. The only survivors in the entire world are WHITE NOAH, his wife, his three sons and their wives. The full realization of what has happened finally strikes WHITE NOAH.

WHITE NOAH: oh my god
who are we going to keep out of the Yacht Club now?

Click here to read the rest of the article.

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