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by Lavern Merriweather

If there is one thing that irks me more than anything else is that white people, particularly white women, that try to sound oh so down. Mind you, I’m not talking about the ones who are considered ‘wiggers’ or are trying their damndest to be just like black folks.

No, I mean the people who are the exact opposite, the ones who couldn’t be less hip. Yet, to be funny, mocking or fit in for the moment will say something in an annoying black accent. The most utterly ridiculously annoying black accent voice you have ever heard. What’s even worse is when they do it with the smiling approval of the nearest black person.

Recently, the actress who plays ‘Pam’ on the HBO hit “True Blood” was speaking with Shaun Robinson and Billy Bush on “Access Hollywood”. Robinson, who is black, insisted on introducing her by talking in some stupid stereotypical dialect which the actress began to emulate. Even if it was only for a brief time, it was still enough to make me want to go batshit on both of them.

Shaun Robinson

But therein lies the problem.

Too often white people like to do that with some stupid-ass, grinning, ninny black person around. They seem to believe that it gives them some kind of validation to be an unbelievably irritating jackass.

One season on MTV’s “Real World”, a castmate named Danny who is half black and half Irish decided it would be just hilarious to paint his practically white face a darker shade. Then, he proceeded to be an even bigger asshole by putting fake gold teeth in his mouth while he paraded around the room saying some really goofy-ass slang that made zero sense. What makes even LESS sense is that fact that this fool thought it would be amusing to do it in front of his white housemates who obviously looked at his and other black people’s acceptance of such nonsense as a notion that this is acceptable behavior.

I especially hate that phrase “ghetto pass”. Seriously, what the fuck is a damn ghetto pass? I understand the black folks who say that don’t mean it literally, but damn! The idea that you need permission to show your ass by engaging in supposedly black antics just shows how far black people have completely fallen. And look at the people that they pick Bill Clinton, Justin Timberlake, Madonna. Okay, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Give me a fucking break! Those people desire to be black in name only, but if and when it’s cool, popular or makes them feel like they aren’t as prejudice and bigoted as the obvious folks, by that, I mean the Hannitys or O’ Reillys of the world.

It’s the same attitude exhibited by self-righteous pricks like Bill Maher and John Stewart. I can’t speak for all white people, but I do believe that many who want to play Negro are phony as fuck. They talk a good game while doing something very different behind our backs.

I once got into an online argument with another commenter who was defending Stewart. He seemed to think that because Stewart has some token black writers on his Show that he can’t be as bad as the people that he criticizes. And I say, “Au contraire, Mon frere.” Surrounding yourself with a bunch of black folks to give yourself an air of racially diverse superiority is the oldest trick in the book, a move that is straight up purely about ego. It says to everyone, “See? I can’t be as bad as other white folks because I have my darkies on hand.”

And if it’s not doing a sorry-ass impersonation of what a black person is supposed to sound like, then it’s pretending you are so down while doing everything humanly possible not to be – case in point, executive producer of ABC’s “The View” and one of the show’s host Barbara Walters. Ms. Walters acts like she just loves her house negroes but sees nothing wrong with inviting misogynist, racist and all around fuckwad Bill O’Reilly on her program.

As I have said before, I absolutely refuse to believe that she does that to represent both sides – that she is trying to be more fair and balanced than the network that O’Reilly works for. Like Tom says in the old “Tom and Jerry” cartoon, “DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT!”

Bill O’Reilly as a guest on “The View”

Walters has him on her show because he speaks to her own ideals and beliefs. Yet, unlike him, she is too gutless to come right out and say it the same way many whites praise the Earl of Assholes Howard Stern are. The only reason those people say that is because they don’t want to catch heat for how they actually feel about black folks. I loved that line in the Robin Williams hit “Mrs. Doubtfire” where he says “I’m not a therapist I just see what I see”.

Well that’s exactly how I feel about white people who think it’s so cool to imitate blacks in the goofiest most asinine way possible. Most of the time, they can’t even get it right. I mean damn!

If you are going to do something so stupid at least put some fucking effort into your little performance. I say ‘performance’ because it is usually all for show or because they have been given a green light by some moronic Negro who, for certain, has zero understanding of their history.

And how many times imitating a black person was done for their entertainment not ours, or to show what a big bunch of fucking idiots we supposedly are. Looks like not much has changed. Except now, a lot of black people have either gotten so damn lazy, become so desensitized or just don’t even give a shit anymore, that they take part in the denigrating as well.

I am currently dating a white male and the one thing that I appreciate most from him is that he doesn’t speak slang, nor does he ever feel the need to do some ‘hood’ routine to win me over. The last thing I would ever tolerate is some lame ass ridiculous “Malibu’s Most Wanted” knockoff. And I shouldn’t have to either. I’m not going to put up with anything that is done for the sake of a stereotyping.

Jamie Kennedy as ‘Brad Gluckman’, a “wannabe Eminem”.

This is why the whole thing gets on my very last nerve, because for the majority of the time, it is done from a white person’s preconceived perspective about blacks, not individuals but a collective group. The guiltiest little snots who talk down to be down only see us as a monolith or worse, a typical expectancy, namely that if one of us does it then we all must do it.

I remember during the OJ trial that often times when white people would pretend to be speaking as if they were him, they would talk in this low, nasally trying-to-be-ghetto voice, a voice that I have yet in my life to hear him use. What kills me most is that when the reverse happens white folks – of course – lose their shit.

Unfunny and dumbass comedian Paul Mercurio was bitching on stage one time that he was sick of black comedians acting as if all white guys talk like the Screech character from “Saved by the Bell”. Then, this whiny little hypocrite began to complain that white comedians don’t use slang voices for black people. THE FUCK THEY DON’T!

Spare me. White comedians use ghetto-type voices for black people all the time regardless of how they actually sound, that and blackface, but I guess to him, we should just sit back and accept it, or as some black people do, play along.

I wish I could build a time machine and transport those dumbasses to the past. Then they could see for themselves how utterly obnoxious and unflattering racial impersonating truly is.

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