I am a racist, sexist and transphobic.
I suffer from internalized racism. Sometimes I question if what white people said are true. I’ve allowed what the white-owned media says about my people and have thus applied that to me, hence by low self-esteem and low expectations of other blacks when I’m down and tired.
However, I have certain harsh opinions regarding whites. I believe all whites are racist. I have low expectations of them as well, because so far, I see the white racism creeping up somewhere taking another chance to offend someone. I see white racism seemingly winning more battles than losing. I see whiteness is being permanent with no end in sight.
I don’t have much views regarding other races. Yet, I admit that I sometimes place them on higher platforms as opposed to my own. Even though it is the result of existing in a highly racially charged nation, I still blame myself.
I am also sexist and misogynistic in my views regarding women. My less-than pleasant experiences with women influenced me to be angry at women. I sometimes think they were all superficial when it comes to them finding mates, especially when I get emotionally hurt by one. I sometimes think they all want bad boys or rich dudes. In the end, I began “fearing” women because I thought they all hated me for not being “bad” enough or loaded with cash.
As a side note, I still like checking women out, especially if they’re showing skin and possess thickness in certain areas. (I still like big butts). I get naughty thoughts when I see a beautiful woman. Sometimes I see that before I see her heart and soul. And sometimes, I care little about them as opposed to viewing their round butts.
Finally, I am transphobic. I lashed out at a transsexual online when she flirted with me before she admitted that she was born as a male. I thought men with feminine mannerisms were instantly gay. And even though I never considered their lifestyle as offensive to God and I didn’t care if they get married with someone of the same sex, I still didn’t understand the lifestyle, and I hated it when they flirted with me.
Now, I know you’re wondering why I’m telling you all this. Well, there are two reasons: One, goes back to a quick convo I had with a Twitter follower. The other is an important lesson that even I have to learn.
I told him about my online encounter with a transsexual that ended in me leaving in a huff. He wanted to know why I was pissed. For a while, I looked back and thought long and hard wondering what caused me to be cross with her.
Then, it hit me. I was afraid, not afraid of her per sae, but afraid of the possibility that I thought that the young lady was beautiful. Thus, I was afraid of my sexual preference being questioned.
This young woman most likely didn’t know I was heterosexual just like I didn’t know she was really a man. So, she flirted with me for a few minutes, and I flirted a little back. Soon, she revealed that she was biologically male. And, it shocked me in such a way that I furiously pushed her away.
I am heterosexual, and as such, I have privilege over LGBT members. If there’s one thing privileged people fear the most is losing their privilege. I feared having that privilege taken from me. I was afraid to admit that I thought that a transsexual I was talking to looked fine.
Today, I am working hard to rid myself of the whitewashed attitude. I am fighting all sexist and misogynistic views that are implanted within my mind. And, I am changing my prejudices regarding LGBTs, especially transsexuals.
However, as liberated as I seem, I am not above getting trapped, especially when I let my fingers act before my brain. Just because you are more “aware” of what’s going on around you, as opposed to some people who prefer to remain sheltered in their little worlds, doesn’t mean you’re above mistakes, especially if you possess some privilege over the next group.
The lesson is that even though you are fighting, in some way, for the rights of certain people, even your own, you can and will make mistakes. As a heterosexual black male, I possess two kinds of privileges: being a male and being straight. Even though I am still a member of a group marginalized and stereotyped in harsh – even fatal ways, I still have male privilege over my sistas. And that can cloud one’s judgment when being an activist. See #solidarityisforwhitewomen and #blackpowerisforblackmen.
When those who possess privilege over another group becomes an ally for that group, there is a chance that privilege will show itself off in hurtful ways. Furthermore, privilege has a nasty habit of avoiding accountability. The mistakes are played off because the privilege person is ignorant of the repercussions of what happened. Sometimes an apology is made, but it holds no mutual sincerity. The fake apology is addressed in a way that directs guilt back to the offended party, and the privileged learns nothing from that ordeal.
The best way for the privilege to truly help is to avoid making the discussion or movement about themselves. Those who do seek only their own exaltation, not working towards justice or equality. By doing so, they have a much less chance of derailing or antagonizing others, and a better chance of getting some insight into the subject.
It is not easy for me to write this post. This may make me seem like a hypocrite, and I don’t blame you if you stop visiting. I write this to remind everyone that I am NOT the best person to follow or get some information. (The websites on the left side of the homepage are among the best places to learn about PoC, women and LGBT because they are written by PoC, women and LGBT.)
Yet, I feel that it is important that the first step to being truly aware is to admit that you’re still ignorant in some way. You’re only human, and you will make mistakes, but it’s the best policy to admit them , hold yourself responsible and learn from them. Otherwise, you won’t grow as a human being.