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Being black in America means that at some point during the day, you have to hear or read about how fucked up you are as a black person. Society tells you all the time that your people are ‘the problem’. There are no explanations other than the fact that you are black. As such, your black skin is a sign of disgrace and worthlessness. I’m not exaggerating. I’m bring real.

It’s bad enough that it comes from the white mainstream narrative, but it is incorporated into the minds and hearts of blacks who believe the white racist frame that their people are born bad. Some of them have used that idea when it comes to seeking love, and certain representatives will advocate the same mindset to other blacks of a particular subset while blaming certain members of their communities who fit the mainstream’s stereotypes. I call this Empowerment Through Expense (ETE).

To empower means to strengthen others politically, economically, educationally, and spiritually. Those who seek love and romance believe they are empowering those of a specific race and gender. However, those who use ETE will proclaim that a particular gender is being  ‘oppressed’ in some way, shape or form by the opposite sex of the same racial group. At the same time they also believe that members of a different racial group are a better choice and that interracial dating is the best way to go to find true love. Most likely, that other group is white.

It is especially true in the black community. There are black men who believe that dating outside his group is best considering how they give in negative and racist stereotypes about black women. Likewise, there are black women who conclude that dating non-black men will find the kind of love they think they aren’t getting from black men. Both likely will affirm that the best partner of choice is white based on, again, racial stereotypes that white people are – in one way or another – are better than black people.

This is also true when it comes to gays and lesbians in the black community. Some will consider that interracial dating of the same gender will lead to bigger and brighter things. Of course, members of the LGBT black community are trashed based on the pain of past relationships and the ideal of seeing themselves as a monolith, a symptom of white racism found in some people of color.

Internalized racism plays a major part in ETE. It tells the people who have obviously been hurt by members of his/her race that their people are generally no damn good, especially when it comes to relationships. Statistics about marriage in the black community are used to prove their points. Recognition of racist whites with the same sentiments are used as arguments for supporting interracial dating. Again, all is done at the expense of the black community.

I am not against interracial dating or marriage, but I live in a society where color (still) matters. Most examples of ETE in the relationship department conclude that white people are the perfect mates while black people are less-than-satisfactory partners. Neither conclusions are based on fact. They are based on racist archetypes adapted by the marginalized and supported by the mainstream. It is an effective trick to get the black community to hate themselves and each other while loving the white man. 

One solution is to educate themselves not through mainstream learning or entertainment, but through cold-hard facts that society abhors to face.

Another solution is to try not to give in the constant incoming messages of white supremacy flowing from everywhere. Somehow one must avoid such messages and images in order to not end up brainwashed.

Finally, one must also train him/herself to see the beauty of blackness through all kinds of heartache. One must realize that not all or most of a particular gender is screwed up or, at least, screwed up for nothing. And one must not see groups of people as a monolith based on similar features. In other words not all whites are good and not all blacks are bad.

The basis of finding love is to find someone that makes you happy and someone you want to be happy. That person can be from any background in any color. However, if you intend to find love based on skin color and the myths linked to that color, it is not real love.

This post is not an attack on any empowerment movement that doesn’t throw its own people under the bus.