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I’ve mentioned in other post where I was down and out that there will be more posts where I just need to let it out. I don’t know if I made it clear that these posts, or this blog rather, should not to be taken too seriously, nor are they to be used for objective sources of information. They shouldn’t be. My blog posts are half-truth and half-emotion, mostly anger, frustration and depression. Like I said in the welcoming post, I am no expert and posts like this one are not merited in logic even though there is some truth in them.

I just wanted to let you know in advance before you read this that this is one of ‘those’ blogs. I’m always angry and depressed about many things, and this blog is one way for me to get it off my chest. As you can tell already, I’m very tired of a lot of things.

I’m tired of this plague of self-hatred a lot of black people have! It can not be ignored. This illness is destroying some of us and the victims don’t even know or care to treat it. Nowadays, it seems to be the trend, a way of getting hits and money! Even though the reason behind it is linked to white supremacy, what can be done? Can it be treated at all? Is it getting worse?

I’m tired of this self-hatred leading to disrespect and physical violence! From day one, we were taught to hate ourselves and what we are. Some have contributed that hatred to self-destructive behavior. Sadly, some of us buy into the hype, and it becomes a popular theme to show to the whole damn world. Black drama and “pathology” seems to fucking sell in the 21st Century. Why is this happening? Why is it that there is only ‘black pathology’ as if black people are the only people who screws up?

I’m tired of overprivileged people with a warped sense of morality and intelligence cry about how they are ‘victims’ and this, that and the other. Victims of what!? Why is their pain more important than anyone else’s? Why should I feel sorry for them when they have adequate support while those like me struggle to even find someone who understands a little bit?

I’m tried of being grouped in with negative stereotypes about black people just because I’m black myself. Even though it’s stupid to base a conclusion on something so trivial, it too is the norm in today’s world! I’m a criminal because there are black male criminals! See how messed that shit is? But again, this is regarded as reasonable in today’s society! It doesn’t matter that I’ve never been in trouble with the law. I’m a criminal because I’m a black male. What the fuck?

I’m tired of this damn stereotype threat that I live with! Why should feel guilty if there was a crime committed by another black person. I didn’t do it. I’m no criminal! So, why should I feel shame? Aren’t I an individual? According to most people, no. “Black people are a monolith,” says people who know little about blacks but have the outlets to say so and the people that will listen to them.

I’m tired of the monolithic thinking that I have! I need to see myself as an individual. I am but one man, a human being with a mind, heart and soul. It’s funny how some people are surprised as hell to know that black people think and feel. It’s almost shocking when they discover that we don’t all think and feel alike. I supposed that goes back to the damn criminal stereotype that will latch on to us until we’re dead.

I’m tired of overprivileged people being seen as basically good while the underprivileged are seen as the opposite! The same goes for them when they see themselves as individuals when one, a few or a multitude screws up while we are seen as a collective even when none of us falter! But, if certain members achieve success, all of a sudden, the whole group is now a damn collective, and underprivileged folks who succeed are individuals. Double standards, suck!

Most of all, I’m tired of…well, being tired! It’s hard for me to hold my head up right now. It’s hard for me to know that this is the weekend, and I’m off until Monday. It’s hard for me to smile and not cry. It’s hard for me to believe in God. Hell, it’s hard for me to love myself right now.

My bitterness is what the dark spirit of white supremacy wants, and there are times where it’s winning. It urges me to escape and leave this world. It persuades me to end the pain that way as this demon doesn’t seem like it’s leaving any time soon. It tells me that this is permanent and that I should just “go”.

However, something tells me to remain, to fight. Something tells me to hold on and continue what I’m doing. That little voice tells me to stay in it for the long haul, and it is constant battle with the white racist spirit that wants my soul. So, even though it will be stressful and – at times – painful, I must not give up no matter how tired I am.

Now, don’t worry. I won’t do anything crazy to myself. I’m just blowing off some steam. However, this is another installment to my circumventing. So, if you don’t want to feel upset, you may want to not check out any more posts of this nature. Again, this isn’t to be taken seriously. I’m just tired.

Are you tired as well?

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