Let me just state for the record that I do not have a beef with blogger Mr. Laurelton Queens. I just disagree with his view regarding black women empowerment (BWE) and how it’s detrimental to the black community. I also disagree with Mr. Queens accentuating singular incidents involving black women behaving badly or the notion that some black women have an inept ability to make good choices which result in having multiple children by multiple men. Even though there is no doubt that there are sistas who, unfortunately, fit that image, one thing that I have to wonder is why this is so.
Also, one has to keep in mind that is not exclusive to black women. There are women of different colors and ethnicities with children of different men. However, in this society, that stigma is usually exclusive to black, and in some cases, brown women. Therefore, there is a follow-up notion or stereotype that black women are intrinsically promiscuous without an once of self-control.
Anyway, back on the subject. Me and Mr. Queens have had a back-and-forth ever since he made these statements within his first comment on one of Abagond’s blog posts:
“Women control who they lay down with. If about 70 to 80 percent of black women have child out of wedlock.
Explain to me why the 20 percent are doing the right thing?
But they can’t explain it. They need to bash black men and make excuses.”
Here’s my response:
“I have to stop you here. In the first place it’s not always the case. Some women don’t have a choice and are forced into sex. We call it rape.
Second, why is having a child out of wedlock a bad thing?
Third, even if the child has two parents it doesn’t guarantee that child will be well-behaved and have a bright future.
Fourth, statistics don’t explain the whole story much less are considered reliable.
Fifth, Why is the blame mostly on black women? What about the boys that go out, impregnate women and disappear. At least most of these single moms are there for their kids. Where are the males?
I’m not trying to cut you down or nothing, but I don’t think it’s right to put the blame on black women. And there’s nothing wrong with black women empowerment especially since they live in a world that puts them down, and the truth is some black men join in on putting them down. For real.”
It appeared that he was trying to make it seem that single black mothers are greatly responsible for themselves being single, and those women will blame it on black men and make excuses for their screw-ups. To me it sounded like a race-gender theme of personal responsibility. And so, Mr. Queens and I have been responding to each other ever since. Looking back I may have jumped the gun a bit on what he was trying to say, but I still believed he was making a broad statement about single black mothers.
Anyway, he made one long response, and I decided to respond here in my blog and hopefully clear some things up, and put this to rest before it gets more tense. I won’t copy and paste the whole thing here, but you can check it out at this post.
Again, my overall response was not to call him out or bash him, but my feedback was to, kind of, reach out and warn him not to engage in blaming black women after viewing his blog. After checking it out, it appeared to me that his focus is to tear down BWE, and how they supposedly castigate black men. I do agree that there are some black women who do engage in that while black men do the same with them. But in the end, what good comes from that?
Now, back to Mr. Queens and his last comeback in the post to my response. Here are my final comments:
When I mentioned that white men use black women against their own people, I didn’t mean that they use them directly such as in relationships. Although, it could and has happened. I meant that whites have used blacks against their own for years since slavery times. For example, during slavery times, they made certain individual black slaves oversee other slaves to spy for their masters. Soon, due to years of racial conditioning, some blacks have adapted the white mentality and helped pushed white supremacy and racism against black people. And I will bet dollars to donuts some of them include black women.
When I mentioned your daughter, I did not mean any disrespect towards you or her. I just wanted to get you to think along the lines of what you were saying. I was expressing concern for her and you. If I seemed offensive, I apologize.
Now, when you mentioned that you had mostly good relationships with the black women you’ve dated, it seemed implausible that almost all of your blog posts dealt with the faults of certain black women. However, you did mention that you were hurt at one point in time by “playing the game they were playing.” I’m just saying that could’ve had a significant effect. That’s all.
When I mentioned that one of your statements is close to the typical male ideal of women cooking and cleaning for men, I was not calling you a typical male. It just appeared that what you’ve typed sounded almost like that. I’m just saying.
If you have some issues with some black women and you’re not taking out on all black women, okay. Only when I checked out your blog nearly all of your posts have something negative regarding BWE or certain black women. You said you do this because black women bash black men. So, it’s an eye-for-an-eye thing.
Only problem is that an eye for an eye will leave both parties blind. This is what I’m saying. We are all in the same boat. It’s injurious that we bash each other. Whether it’s against gender or within gender but still intraracial, it’s still disturbing. You know what I’m saying?
Yes. There are some black women who screwed up with the wrong man. Still, and I’m just asking, why, according to your messages, should she get most or all of the blame? And why do you think, as you put it, those women go to white men? Again, we are all in the boat, and we were all persuaded to take the ride – something all of us need to work on.
We have been conditioned to think low of ourselves while putting whites on pedestals, especially when it comes to dating. Some black men date white women for several reasons. Some black women date white men for several reasons. But some of those reasons are similar to one simple eventuality, to finding something better. In several cases they will date other people of color for the same reason. The bottom line is we are constantly told over and over again how inferior we are, and some of us take that in and echo the same sentiments.
When statistics are mentioned, you indicated that they’re true. So, henceforth, The 70 ro 80 percent of black women having kids out of wedlock must be the truth for black women in that demographic. But like what several scholars said, statistics are misleading. Just because you acknowledged this particular stat, doesn’t explain much, does not break down numbers of other groups, or explain the reasons behind it which include harsh sentencing for minor drug offenses having a destructive impact on the black community.
Now, I could respond to each of your other statements, but instead, I will say that just like I don’t know you, you, in turn, don’t know me. I only went through what was written in your comments and your blog page. Plus, to be honest it’s time consuming.
I will say this: I agree with a few things you’ve said during our debate, but overall, like I said, I only went by what you’ve presented online. What I’ve said can also be backed up with research. So, it should be no-less considered. One more time: Yes, there are some black women who have made poor decisions, but what you have to consider are the aggravating and mitigating factors behind those decisions instead of just concluding that some black women are just fucked up, the same way white conservative politicians see them as “welfare queens.” Once again, I’m just saying.
And being with black women or any woman for that matter is not a case of who’s dominant, at least it shouldn’t be. It should be an equal partnership with each contributing 50-50, but if YOU want to be the dominant one, cool. But that’s your decision only. I just hope you don’t assert your dominance with violence.
Lastly, and most importantly, you can not expect someone to disagree with your standpoints just like I can’t expect everyone to agree with my views. If it wasn’t me, someone would’ve typed something on your responses. In my case I was simply pointing out a few things to consider in a respectable tone. I was not trying to, as you’ve said “pick a fight with you.” Come on, bruh. I’m just putting in my two cents.
Besides, no one can truly understand black women except other black women. I, myself, don’t understand them sometimes, but I know they go through shit just like black men. What’s sad is that a fraction of that shit comes from us. That’s real talk. I don’t deny that it’s like that the other way around, but it’s not a question of which is more important when we go through some form of struggle living in a white racist society.
I will agree that society is pimping black women just like it’s pimping black men. Nevertheless, regardless if some brothas are contributing to the pimping of sistas, or there are sistas out there throwing brothas under a bus, you can not deny this one simple, irrefutable truth: We are all in the same boat, the same boat constructed by white supremacy designed to sink us all.